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You Might be a Soldier If....
- All your possessions are military issue.
- Your kids recite their ABC's phonetically.
- Your kids call their sandbox "NTC".
- You have pull-up bars outside the kitchen door.
- Your daughter's first haircut was a flattop.
- Your kids pull fireguard.
- Your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster".
- You always back into parking spaces.
- You have to look up your parents phone number, but can dial the CQ, SDNCO, company, battalion, and brigade with no problem at all.
- Each page of your vacation atlas has two routes marked.
- Your kids call the tooth fairy "Slicky Boy".
- Your son fails the third grade, but tells everyone he was a "phase three recycle".
- Your favorite author is Mike Malone or Tom Clancy.
- When your kids are too noisy, you yell "at ease!"
- You don't own any blue ink pens.
- Your leave always occurs during the last week of September.
- Your wife's "high-n-tight" is more squared away than your Commander's.
- You keep a box of MREs at home and in the trunk of your car in case of emergencies.
- When talking to relatives by phone, you end the conversation with "out here."
- You refer to your spouse as "Household 6" or "CINC House."
- You've seen Patton enough times to memorize his speech.
- CNN is your favorite program.
- You call the Post Locator instead of Information to find your friends.
- You take the family camping with no tent or sleeping bags.
- The only time you and the spouse eat without the kids is at the unit "dining out."
- Your kids can speak three languages by age eight.
- The only suit you own is your Class A uniform.
- You carry your pager to the shower.
- Your vehicle is registered on post and in two different states.
- You convince your spouse that all ten of your guns are necessary for home protection.
- You have more money invested in TA-50 than in your car.
- You tell your kids to go to bed at 2100 and they try to explain that it's only nine o'clock.
- The allotment column of your LES has more entries than the entitlement column.
- No one understands the stories you tell because of all the acronyms.
- You can explain the Gettysburg battlefield better than directions to your house.
- Your kids know the words to "she wore a yellow ribbon."
- Your two-year old calls everyone in BDUs "daddy".
- The phone book lists your rank instead of Mr.
- Your spouse hasn't unpacked the good china for twenty years.
- Your monthly BAS goes to the mess hall.
- You ruin the movie for everyone around you by pointing out the unrealistic military scenes.
- You live on post so you can hear reveille every morning.
- Your family calls you "Sir."
- All your jokes begin with "there was this soldier, a marine and an airman..."
- You feel compelled to get a haircut every three days.
- All of your shoes are military style, except for one pair and that pair is your running shoes.
- You are convinced that coffee is a nutrient.
- Your home town is convinced that you are a foreigner.
- Your first impressions of civilians are that they all need haircuts.
- All of your underwear is colored OD Green, Brown, or White.
- Civilians exercise and you conduct PT.
- You feel guilty about leaving work at any hour.
- All of your friends wear dockers.
- You only wear those dorky military glasses or the geeky aviation glasses.
- Your kids categorize other kids as either military brats or civilian slugs.
- The phones in your home resemble the standard military version.
- You answer your phone at home by explaining that the line is unsecure.
- Your spouse owns several military cookbooks published by family support groups.
- Half of the mementos in your house are from Korea or Germany.
- Your newborn must attend the newcomers' orientation briefing within the first 30 days.
- Your wife's two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam.
- You go to a barbecue and insist that your family feed tactically.
- You make your children clear housing before they go off to college.
- You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags on your floorboards as part of a tune-up.
- Your POV is equipped with blackout lights.
- Your kids call their mother "Household 6."
- Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus.
- Your doorbell sounds off with the current challenge and password.
- You have sector sketches and range cards posted by every window in your house.
- You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner.
- Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on separate rations, and must pay for the meal.
- You make your daughter sign out on pass on Prom Night.
- Your kindergartner calls recess a "smoke break."
- Your wife takes a "knee" in the checkout line at the supermarket.
- You do your "back to school" shopping at the U.S. Cavalry Store.
- Your kids salute their grandparents.
- Your kids get an LES with their allowance.
- Your grandmother won "All American Week" and "Best Ranger".
- Your kids initials are AR, FM, TM, or DA.
- Your pick-up has your name stenciled on the windshield.
- Your kids are hand-receipt holders.
- Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry."
- Your wife keeps Mermites in the china cabinet.
- Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceremony.
- You call your in-laws the "Slice Elements"
- Your dog's name is "Ranger".
- You decorate your Christmas Tree with Chem Lights and Engineer Tape.
- You've given your children an Article 15.
- And if you understood all of these expressions.
New quotes added on 21 December 2005
Contributed by Dennis Powell.
- If you ever listed daisy chaining land mines as a hobby.
- If you know how to jump start a tank.
- If you use your own TA-50 in the field so you don't have to clean the stuff that was issued at CIF.
- If your kids can recite their General Orders.
- If your kids refer to their Kool-Aid as Bug Juice.
- If you pull PMCS on your POV.
- If you remember the Army's birthday and can't remember your wife's birthday.
- If you plan your vacations along Phase Lines.
- If your kids know how to build a fighting position in the sandbox.
- If your kids refer to MREs as: Meals Rejected by Ethiopians.
- If you call your wife's brownies Track Pads
- If you can tell a story at your In-Laws for two hours and they don't understand a word you said.
- If you issue your kids a packing list when going on vacation.
- If you issued your ex-wife a DD214 when you broke up and listed her re-enlistment code as 4F.
- If you tell your kids, Drop and give me 20 when the act up.
- If you can sew your own patches when you PCS, but you still have mama-san at the PX do it for you anyway.
- And finally: If you've been out for years and you still refer to your check stub as an LES, the Department store as the PX and the grocery store as the Commissary.
Contributed by J. Edwards.
- You give your children a counseling statement for being late to dinner.
Contributed by M. McGregor.
- You show your ID card when entering WALMART.
Contributed by F. Newcomer.
- You compliment your wife at dinner by remarking that the steak is as big as a shelter half and thick as an MP's head!
Contributed by T. Kepler.
- You and your wife go to the mall and you make her get out and ground guide you through the parking lot.
Contributed by M. Currie.
- You honk twice before backing any vehicle up.
- You communicate with your family members with hand and arm signals "to make things move quicker."
- You have a five point contingency plan before breaking up at the mall.
- You convince your wife to leave the exact same set of BII (fire extinguisher, shovel, warning triangles, etc) in her car that you have in your car (and make her inventory it one a month).
- You refer to a day off from work as a DONSA.
- You remark how well the front lawn would look with a machine gun position.
- You make sure your kids do PT at school I the follow cycle per day: 5-7 min stretch, calisthenics for 2 minutes, then muscle failure, then cool down before shit, shower, & shave.
- You bring MREs on any and all camping trips... "just in case".
- You refer to your wife's handbag/pocketbook as a three-day bag or assault pack or butt pack.
Contributed by B. Bingham.
- You hold open ranks inspection on your kids before church.
- You create a DA 6 for chores for your children.
- Use 550 cord as a clothes line.
- Your wife saves the Tabasco sauce from the MRE's and puts them in the spice rack.
Contributed by L. Bishop.
- You won't admit to liking the show, but you someday want to go to Malibu State Park, where the MASH set was, just to say you've been there.
- You parents/spouse/kids call up Ranger Joe's to see if they have gift certificates for the holidays.
- Bragging to your friends that your girlfriend can score a 300 on an APFT and can shoot expert with an M-16 is much more impressive to them than bragging that she is a current or former Victoria Secrets model.
- You base people on how they felt about the movie, "Full Metal Jacket." If they think it was a comedy, you decide immediately that you'll get along with them.
- You always have your wife buy clear chapstick by the case, so you'll have a way to defeat getting shot with MILES gear on.
- Even though you feel that all war movies are inaccurate, you deeply resent that your unit has never been tasked with being in one.
- You think anyone who has served less time or been deployed fewer times than you is a cherry.
- You think anyone who has served more time or been deployed more times than you is a super-lifer and is a little nuts.
- You tell people you were an extra in "Firebirds," and your buddies pat you on your back, telling you how sorry they feel for you.
- You've ever countered an argument with, "Well my CSM is the man, and HE says…"
- You use deployments as a benchmarks of your life, as in, "Let's see, I had my first kid right before I went to JRTC for the third time, so that must have been 2002…"
- You introduce your best friend to your girlfriend or wife, then suddenly realize you have no idea what his first name is.
- You remember the last time you did PMCS on your vehicle, but can't recall when your POV's oil was changed last time.
- You may get lost coming home from work on some days, but you know the street layout of Fort Benning or Bragg like the back of your hand, even though it’s been years since you were at either post.
- You feel you’d be legally within your rights to strangle anyone who calls what you do, “Just a job.”
- You’ve got into an argument over whether you would have gotten a hit off that OPFOR if you’d all been using live ammo instead of MILES gear.
- You can’t set up your TV remote, but know how to break down and reassemble your weapon in the dark.
- At a barbeque, you drink three times as much water as anyone else.
- When your wife asks if you're "in the mood," you respond, "Hooah!"
- You always have a camelback with you at all times.
- You hear former and current cops telling their stories, listen politely, then go off and snicker alone.
- You refuse to go to camping with your family, using the logic that you've already spent enough time in that environment to last a lifetime.
- When in civilian clothes and wearing a baseball cap, if you take your hat off outdoors for any reason, you have this sinking feeling someone's going to yell at you to "give me 50."
- You still check your "gig line" even in your civilian clothes.
- You're slightly disappointed that you didn't get "coined" for doing the weeding in the back yard without being asked.
- You keep referring to the local country club president as "Sergeant Major."
- Every time you look at your kid's red flyer wagon, you think to yourself, "This thing would never survive a long road march."
- You refer to a family reunion as "joint operations."
- When handing out Christmas presents, you start out with, "Attention to orders!"
- You refer to your Grandparents as the "Joint Chiefs."
- If you're going to the liquor store, you can only refer to it as the "Class Six."
- In the line at a barbeque, you fight the temptation to tell out, "All right people, let's dress this line!"
- You chuckle at all the "Joe" lines you've read on the backs of range paddles over the years.
- ALL your stories start with, “There I was, going out the back of a C-130…”
E-mail me if you have any any more terms!
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