Rules of Engagement in Today's Army

Scenario: A PFC is walking down the road to a porta potty and is confronted with a 10-year old boy in enemy territory pointing a gun at him.

1. The soldier will request permission to fire from his platoon sergeant.

2. The platoon sergeant will ask the platoon leader.

3. The platoon leader will ask the company commander. The CO will call the battalion commander and ask for permission to fire.

4. The Bn Cdr will call the Bde Cdr to get permission to fire.

5. The Bde Cdr will call division and speak to a person in the G3 shop.

6. The G3 personnel will immediately start working on a slide presentation in powerpoint to present to the Commanding General on his options.

7. The slides will first be briefed to the Chief of Staff and will be sent back for revisions.

8. After 90 different versions have been completed, the Chief of Staff will finally approve the slides.

9. The CG will be presented slide presentation and will call Corps to ask the corps commander for permission to fire.

10. The G3 staff will fax a copy of the presentation to the corps G3 who will in turn ask for a copy to be sent by courier because the first copy got sent to the wrong fax number.

11. The poor captain who sent the fax to corps will be given a bad OER because he should have known that the fax number given to him by a colonel at corps was the wrong number.

12. Corps G3 finally receives the slide presentation and has his staff work on a corps presentation to give to the corps commander.

13. The corps commander is briefed, accepts his staffs proposal that the soldier should fire back, but has to call the Army commander to get permission.

14. The Army commander asks the corps commander to fax him all the information he has on the incident and he will get back to him.

15. The Army commander never receives the information.

16. Division is notified that the information did not reach Army so that poor captain with the bad OER is ordered to fax a copy of the slides to Army, the Pentagon, and the White House.

17. The Army commander finally receives the slides and says he will have to call the Army group commander for permission to fire.

18. The Army Group commander listens to the Army commander then tells him that he will have to call the Pentagon to get permission to fire.

19. The Army Group Commander calls the Pentagon and speaks with the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. The Chairman wants to know why some know-nothing captain from a division in theater is faxing a 200 page slide presentation to him and the president.

20. The Army Group commander tells the Chairman he will find out.

21. The Army Group commander calls the Army commander and asks why Captain Know-Nothing is faxing slides to the Pentagon and the White House.

22. The Army commander calls the corps commander and asks the same question.

23. The corps commander gets personally involved and calls directly to the division's G3 shop and asks to speak to CPT Know-Nothing.

24. CPT Know-Nothing is given another bad OER and is reassigned to sewage control in a prisoner of war camp.

25. The Army group commander informs the Chairman that the problem is taken care of.

26. The Chairman tells the Army Group commander that he will get back to him after he holds a meeting with all of the service chiefs.

27. During the meeting, the Air Force and Navy Chiefs decide they want a part in this decision now code-named "Operation Return Fire"

28. The Chairman agrees to allow the Air Force to send two tactical fighter wings and 10 B-52s from Diego Garcia. The Chairman allows the Navy to send in 5 carrier battle groups and 3 Marine divisions. On top of all of this, the Chairman tells the service chiefs that the Army will send in two more corps, five brigades of Artillery and an armored cavalry regiment. Furthermore he will ask the Secretary of defense if 500,000 Reservist and National Guardsmen can be called up.

29. The Chairman takes all of these proposals to the Secretary of Defense who agrees and tells the Chairman to prepare a briefing for the President.

30. A colonel stays up for a week straight preparing briefing slides and charts for the President's briefing.

31. The day of the briefing, the light bulb burns out in the White House's projector and the colonel who worked his butt off to set up this briefing loses the command he was going to take over this summer and is forced to retire because he should have known that the light bulb would burn out.

32. Eventually a lieutenant colonel locates a light bulb and he is promoted to colonel and is offered a command this summer that suddenly becomes open.

33. The president approves Operation Return Fire, but first he wants to get "eyes on the target"

34. Navy Seal Team 6 is dispatched to the area. Upon reaching the location where the soldier reported the contact, they find the decomposed body of a dead American PFC, still clutching a hand mike to his ear, looking as if he is waiting for a response to whatever question he asked.